Why Should Single Christians Date?
I have discovered that most people know what Christians are not supposed to do when it comes to dating but don’t know how Christians are supposed to date or if they should at all. Advice tends to go along the lines of, “Be careful!” and “Listen to those who have made mistakes.” Both are good advice. However, I want the single members of my congregation to have a healthy view of dating and an idea of how to safely and enjoyably go about discovering who their spouse may be.
First, let me define what I mean by dating. A date involves two single people of opposite sexes getting together to build a friendship. There are three things to remember when it comes to dating.
1. Dating does not mean emotional or any other kind of obligation. In other words, because the two of you went out on a date does not mean that you have to do it again. And
2. Dating absolutely does not mean that the two of you are committed to seeing only each other. I will argue in another essay why it is unwise for single believers to commit themselves to exclusive relationships outside of the commitment to marry.
3. Dating doesn’t have to be a search for a mate. It can be an end in itself.
As much as the thought of my sons entering the murky world of love, dating, and romance, I must admit that there are good reasons for dating. In fact, I have many fond memories of my dating years. Here are five good reasons why single Christians should embrace dating.
1. Dating is fun.
But only if you remember that dating isn’t the same as romancing. A date is simply a single man and single woman making an appointment to do something fun together. The difference between a date and simply getting together to do something fun is that a date leaves open the possibility of a greater relationship commitment.
Going to a movie, finding a new restaurant, rock climbing, going to a youth group activity or anything else that might be fun make for great dates. When the activity ends and you enjoyed yourself, it was worth having the experience with the other person.
Remember, dating doesn’t obligate you or your date to another date. Also, it doesn’t obligate either of you to only date each other. Dating is supposed to be fun. Later, if the relationship shows promise of greater commitment, then you can discuss relationship expectations. It may be a good idea at the beginning of a dating relationship to make it clear that you aren’t expecting or giving a commitment to “go steady”.
2. Dating leads to finding a spouse.
You can put this down under the heading, “duh”. But, you might be amazed at the number of people who are praying for God to give them a mate, but don’t leave the house to find one. I don’t know of anyone who set out to find someone who wasn’t fun to be around. So, if you don’t want to have fun with a person of the opposite sex, you aren’t likely to find your mate. Therefore, the first step in finding a husband or wife is to get out of the house and have fun with people!
3. Dating causes you to discover things about yourself and others.
I learned a lot about myself during my dating years. Each friend I went out with was a unique person with unique perspectives on life. (notice that I regard them as friends and note ex-girlfriends!) I cringe whenever I hear someone describe what women or men are like based on their limited experiences with family members and limited relationships with members of the opposite sex. The more people you meet, the more you will discover the unique qualities that God gives each person. And, you will find that men and women to have differences, but not as many as you might think.
Dating also leads to self-discovery, too. Let’s face it, being with someone of the opposite sex feels good in ways that your same-sex friends don’t. Dating allows you to discover your weaknesses as well as your strengths when it comes to temptation. Some people argue that Christians shouldn’t date because of the risks of falling into sin. There is risk in discovering that you have lusts you didn’t realize you had. But then, how else would you find out?
4. Dating allows you to experience building healthy, positive experiences with members of the opposite sex.
Don’t forget the definition of dating: two unmarried friends of the opposite sex get together to have fun with the possibility that their friendship could become a marriage. Friends date and therefore work together to build a relationship of trust and mutual respect around an activity that the dating pair enjoys doing. The dating experience allows those who have had previous negative experiences with the opposite sex to develop healthy relationships with others and in so doing heal the memories of past experiences.
5. Dating allows you to experience ending unhealthy relationships with the opposite sex.
You may discover that the person you are dating isn’t fun to be around or there is something about the other person you aren’t comfortable with. Because dating isn’t an exclusive relationship, you simply can say, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” If the relationship does have a commitment to it, then you have to be straightforward and courteous in making clear the relationship has ended. Having healthy friendships requires recognizing that unhealthy ones have to end. Dating can give valuable practice in ending those relationships.
Scripture references:
Song of Solomon 5:16
Proverbs 17:17
Proverbs 18:24
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Part 2
Point 4
“The dating experience allows those who have had previous negative experiences with the opposite sex to develop healthy relationships with others and in so doing heal the memories of past experiences.”
Most people who have been hurt in prior relationships will never heal from them, they will always guard against a repeat experience. A negative experience allows them to gain knowledge and wisdom which is shared to others through teaching. If someone falls to sin the bible teaches us to repent and flee from it, not to return to it. Common sense tells us not to go back or repeat it. Some people even justify or make excuses to return to the same un-healthy relationships. Because nobody has taught them differently and it’s all they know on how to have a relationship.
Developing a healthy relationship starts with teaching at home, school and church. It does not always have to be through experiences. By teaching it helps them guard against possible negative and un-healthy experiences. Although we cannot teach them for every possible experience we can train them up in the way the should go, biblically. If they choose to stray away from those teachings, then that is there choice “freewill”. But if we willingly allow them to fall into sin, then we ourselves have sinned.
Point 5
“Dating allows you to experience ending unhealthy relationships with the opposite sex.
You may discover that the person you are dating isn’t fun to be around or there is something about the other person you aren’t comfortable with. Because dating isn’t an exclusive relationship, you simply can say, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” If the relationship does have a commitment to it, then you have to be straightforward and courteous in making clear the relationship has ended. Having healthy friendships requires recognizing that unhealthy ones have to end. Dating can give valuable practice in ending those relationships.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against dating in general if done in a healthy and biblical manor. But I think you have confused friendship for dating again. Most friendships turn into dating partners.
During that friendship people will find out if they are compatible or not. A friendship ends because of a few things. Trust was broken, respect was lost, no longer share the same interests or beliefs. It is easier to recover from losing a friend than it is from losing a loved one. A friend will fade away out of your life but if it’s someone you have loved, or built a sexual relationship with you will fight for to keep those feelings even when you know it will not work. Those feelings will never leave you when you have built a sexual relation with them. You are tied to those people.
Couples of the opposite sex should never, ever be alone as friends, dating or courting. They should always be with other teens/adults or with a group. This prevents temptation of the mind and heart. It also teaches accountability and responsibility. I believe that young or old, married or single all relationships should have boundaries.
All relationships will have those days when things are not fun and at times are uncomfortable. So do we teach our youth, single or married adults to just give up and walk away? There is no perfect friendship or relationship in dating or marriages.
Why would you call it practice? You cannot practice to build a healthy friendships or relationship! Especially by walking away from it every time, just because it’s not fun or exciting to someone. If that was the case we would see more divorces in America. But wait, we are seeing more! You might be onto something.
Most relationships are ended due to broken trust and respect rather than it’s just not fun or exciting anymore.
We can justify all we want about relationships, what it comes down to is, are we living biblically and without sin or temptation while building healthy Friendships, Personal Relationships through dating/courting and is our marriage a solid.
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